In no particular order:

  •  Inability to park your big car – Be it a pickup truck, a huge Cadillac, or the newest gargantuan SUV, if you can’t handle parking it, then leave it at home.  Maybe consider a Smart Car to make you less stupid.  Or simply park way out where you’re poor parking skills don’t effect anyone else.  Several times this week some idiot has managed to park well over the line with his pickup truck.  What makes it even more infuriating is that it’s being done in a parking lot that is already low on available space.  So along comes Pickup McDumbass and parks so that he has plenty of space to get out, but screws everyone else.  Because of course the person on the short end of the parking space is going to park a little further over, and the next guy does, and the next, until everyone is way off.  God forbid you check your parking and fix it.  It’s not like there isn’t plenty of space!  It’s just being lazy, and an asshole.
  • Inability to park your small car – Even more infuriating is when the above happens with some little sub compact car!  Seriously!?  You could put the damn thing in your pocket, but you can’t fit it between these two white lines?  This is pure douchebaggery.  And that may not be a word, but dammit, I’m using it.  You could park some of these cars sideways in the parking spot and it would still fit.  Yet some idiots manage to park crooked or outside the lines.  There’s no reason for it.  You should have your windshield wiper tore off and used to beat you.
  • Taking two spaces to avoid dings – I understand that your car is your baby.  It’s brand new and you don’t want to get that first ding.  That’s fine.  I’ve been that way myself.  But for the love of god, if you’re going to take two spaces, do it way out in the boonies.  Don’t pick two spots right up front to screw those of us who have already paid the Ding-Man our tolls just because you’re vain and lazy.  You want to suck up extra space, do it way out in the back where there is plenty of it to go around.  Besides, parking way out there will prevent angry people from purposefully parking next to you….close….and popping that ding cherry you have.
  • Being impatient for a spot – Yes, I have a great spot.  Yes, I’m getting ready to leave.  But don’t sit behind me while I’m trying to load my car up and honk because you really want my spot.  I’m pretty sure that’ll make me go that much slower.  Sure, that’ll be a bit of a dick move on my part, but you asked for it.  Generally I hate waiting for people, but there’s no reason to be rushing people out of a spot.  For all you know they’re waiting for someone else to come out.  Maybe they’re on the phone?  I’d much rather they be in that spot than driving around nearly forcing me into another lane.  Maybe they’re taking a nap.  Who cares?  Lifes a bitch, and they have every right to sit there until they are prepared to leave.  Sack up and move on.
  • Waiting too long for a spot – Along with being impatient goes waiting too damn long for a spot.  If nobody is behind you then there’s really no big problem.  But if it’s a busy parking lot, and you managed to take up the entire lane, and now have five other cars waiting behind you, it’s time to cut your losses.  Sure, as soon as you move past you’ll likely see those tail lights come on, but those are the brakes.  Not really, those are backup lights….but you know what I mean.  The only exception to this might be if you left enough room for other vehicles to get around you while you wait.  But be willing to accept the possibility that this person isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  You may spend more time waiting than actually finding another spot.
  • Squeezing into a spot that you don’t fit – We’ve all seen it.  That golden spot right up close….but some asshat parked on the line and barely left enough room for a Geo Metro.  Most smart people would curse the god’s and move on.  But there are those, unfortunately plentiful, idiots that decide to squeeze in regardless.  Now this generally pisses me off just because it’s stupid, but it’s even worse if you’re somehow stuck as the other “slice of bread” so to speak.  You parked normally, but asshat number one was over the line, and asshat number 2 decided to squeeze in anyways.  Sure, they may have a sunroof to get in and out of their car but you’ve got two hands full of groceries and room that even Kate Moss would have trouble squeezing through.  Here’s a hint, if you have to fold your mirrors to get into a spot, it’s too small.  You can leave a nice note for these people if you like.  Except use a tire iron for the pen……and the note is just a shattered windshield.
  • On your ass waiting for spot – Again, you have a prime spot.  Someone is in the wings waiting to snatch it up as soon as you pull out.  One problem, they’ve pulled so far up on your ass in an effort to stake their claim that you don’t have room to pull out.  Your choice of options here are varied.  You can decide to not go anywhere until said idiot moves on, always fun.  You can pull out as far as you can, mere inches from their own vehicle, to point out their poor judgment.  Often works, but not nearly as much fun.  Or you can tear out of the spot and slam into their car.  I don’t know what the precedent is on that, but you’d probably be at fault.  But it will also probably prevent them from doing it in the future.  And will also serve to delay whatever the hell they were out trying to do.  This idiot also presents a second problem.  If you are somehow able to maneuver your vehicle safely out of your space, you’re often blocked from going past said moron because of how close they were.  So we have to play the backup, you go, no YOU go, no YOU go game. You also have the option here of slamming your car into drive and plowing into them head on.  Again, you’ll probably be at fault.  Weigh your options carefully.
  • Driving the wrong way down a lane – I was unsure if I wanted to put this on here or not.  Often times this is simply a mistake.  “Oops, thought this was the up lane.”  Not much you can really do once you’ve committed but try and get out before someone sees you.  However, if you find yourself in this position you should NOT decide that you own the lane and everyone else is just screwed.  Yes, you made a mistake, but don’t make everyone else pay for it just cause your a putz.  Give room, throw out the universal hands up “Sorry, My Bad!” gesture and move on.  We’ve all done it.  We all know it happens.  Whether or not you’re a douche bag depends on how you handle the situation after the fact.

As with most things in this world, this all comes down to common sense and civility.  Would it piss you off if someone did it to you?  Then don’t do it.  If you’re last thought before doing it is “Aw f**k it.” then it’s likely not the right choice.  Stop thinking about yourself and think about how it effects everyone else around you.  In other words, don’t be stupid.

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