• Left Lane Campers – I can’t say it enough.  The left lane is for Fast/Passing traffic.  Seriously!  It’s in the drivers manual, I looked it up.  If there is nobody behind you then fine, sit there all you like.  But as soon as you see someone start moving up behind you move the hell out of the way.  It’s even more frustrating when there is a whole line of cars piled up behind one moron.
  • Rubber-Neckers – How many of you have seen a cop pulling someone over?  Raise your hand?  OK, how many of you have seen a car accident…raise your hand?  Then why the HELL does everyone need to slow down and look at every cop with his lights on and accident sitting on the side of the road!?  You can’t help, there’s nothing you can do, just keep moving.  I can understand if they are close to a lane and you have to slow down for the safety of the police or the accupants of the vehicle, but that’s the only excuse.  A car accident on the OTHER SIDE of the interstate is not an excuse.  That’s serious grounds for multiple slaps to the face.  Besides the fact that it pisses me off, you’re not paying attention to the cars in front of you and are likely to cause an accident of your own.  Mind your business and just keep driving.
  • Merging Morons – Unless traffic is at a standstill there should be no reason why anyone should need to stop when merging onto the interstate.  It’s pretty simple.  Check the traffic, speed up or slow down accordingly.  That’s it.  Don’t count on the other driver to give you space, you get to the spot you can fit in.  If they accomodate you, great, but don’t count on it.  And for God’s sake, especially if there is no traffic, speed up to get onto the interstate!  There is no reason why you should be merging at 35 MPH.
  • Hello?  I’m stupid!!” – I have no problems with people using cell phones while driving, as long as you can actually do it. If you find yourself driving 30 miles under the limit, drifting into other lanes, or nearly plowing into the ass of the car in front of you…then you should probably hang the phone up.
  • I missed my turn, it’s your fault – What should you do if you miss your turn?  a) Go to the next available turn/exit.  b)  Pull over and back up until you get back to your exit. c)  Stop dead in the middle of the road blocking traffic so you can fix your mistake.  If you answered anything other than A then slap yourself….hard!  Other people should have to pay for your mistakes.  You missed your turn…so what.  Go to the next exit or turn and turn around and get back on track.  NEVER stop in the middle of the road and wait for someone to let you over at the last minute.  Not only do I hate you for this, but I feel you should have your tires flattened as well.  You can then sit there waiting for the tow truck.  If you do this on the interstate just hold your breath until …well, forever.
  • Sightseeers – Besides the fact that there’s nothing over there but a building, some trees, or some grass….What the hell are you looking at!?  Get your ass moving and stop pointing at ever stupid thing on the side of the road.  Generally these are people looking for something and they have no clue where it is.  Fine, I understand that.  But if you have to drive 10 MPH to do it then get out and walk, or buy a GPS, cause your an idiot.  I’ll point at you when I drive by…but with a different finger.
  • Park My Foot Up Your Ass – I understand having a car you really love and want to take care of.  I understand not wanting to get door dinged or get scratched.  But if you are so worried you have to take up two spots then make damn sure you are parking waaaaaaaaay out in the boonies, or just put your car on blocks and leave it in the garage.  Parking close to the door in an already busy lot and taking up two spots is just a dick move.  Don’t do it, or those of us who don’t care will make sure to park close anyways….and pee in your gas tank.
  • Motorcycle Un-Rebel – Hi Mr. Motorcycle Rider, please don’t judge me in my little four door sedan.  You’re not a rebel.  Not anymore.  Much like having a tattoo or an earring doesn’t make you dangerous and rebellious anymore, neither does owning a cycle.  Everyone has one….it’s mainstream now.  Sorry.  The pastel shirt, kakkis, and loafers don’t help you either.  Dumbass.
  • Bikes – Speaking of two wheeled vehicles, bicyclists have a tendancy to piss me off, too.  I don’t care that your riding your bike instead of driving.  I don’t even care that you’re riding on the street and slowing me down.  Good for you.  Wish I could do it.  But if you’re going to be riding on the road remember YOU have to obey the rules of the road as well.  That means stopping at stop signs and lights or not riding between cars at a stop. Don’t get pissy at me cause I opened my door and you landed on your head.  That’s why you wear that funny helmet.
  • Duh-nut – Hey, idiot.  That little spare tire is a temporary measure.  It’s not meant for you to drive the next three weeks on the interstate with.  It’s what, $20 to repair a tire at Wal-Mart?  Your stupid and lazy….period.

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