Archive for March, 2010

Man Calls 911 Because Burger King No Longer Serves Lemonade  (Courtesy

This is becoming all too common.  Customers freaking out in fast food restaurants because one thing or another is not available.  I assume there’s more wrong in these people’s lives than just no lemonade, but I’m just guessing.  This guy, Jean Fortune (66), dialed 911 around midnight in Boynton Beach, Florida because Burger King ran out of lemonade.  He called 911 to report that he was “unhappy with his order.”  Police indicated that Fortune could not explain why he felt it necessary to call 911 for a “civil dilemma,” so they just marked it down as being a “complete jackass.”  He was issued a notice to appear in court.  They won’t be serving lemonade either.  Seriously, I think this is a time when the police should be allowed to rough him up a little.  One good punch to the gut would probably be enough.  Think of their fist as being common sense and they’re just trying to find the best way to get it inside the guy.  As a side note, I’d be OK if someone called the police on KFC for no longer serving those Fire Grilled hot wings.  It’s a crime those aren’t served anymore.  And why the hell is the McRib not a year round thing!?

Man Puts Son Up For Sale On Craigslist  (Courtesy

If there was a viable way to license people to become parents, I’d vote for it…twice!  This guy is an example of why.  Putting your son up for sale on is bad enough.  But then indicating that when he screams and fusses too much you throw him in a closet till he calms down highlights just how many cans short this guy is of a six pack.  Police are still trying to track down the author of the post.  One can only hope it was a joke.

Somali Pirates Attack Dutch Warship By Accident  (Courtesy

WrongBwahaha!  Two groups of Somali Pirates in small skiffs mistakenly targeted a Dutch warship off the coast of East Africa.  The warship fired warning shots at the skiffs and they quickly retreated, presumably to change their pants.  The warship tracked down the skiffs and a third mothership shortly thereafter.  All were filled with ammunition and rocket-propelled grenades which were subsequently confiscated.  The two skiffs were scuttled but the warship, but unfortunately, they allowed the pirates to get off the skiffs prior to their destruction.  They were returned to the mothership and sent on their way.  They should have just scuttled all three ships….pirates and all.

Arrested for Breaking and….Cuddling?  (Courtesy

Intoxicated and cold, Michael Karanja Kamau (33) decided his best option was to break into a random home and slide into bed with whomever was already there.  That’s it.  Of course Frank Fontana wasn’t too receptive to that idea and jumped out of bed, so fast that he apparently broke his floor.  Kamau was held at bay with a baseball bat until police arrived.  Fontana noted, get this…. “I wish I had a gun because this is Mount Washington, and I don’t pay for people to wake up in my bed!”  Brilliant!!  Drunk people can be so entertaining.  How do you get to the point that you just decide breaking into a stranger’s house and slipping into an occupied bed is a smart plan?  Even better, when Fontana thought it was his girlfriend getting into bed and called out her name Kamau actually responded, “No, it’s not.”  As if clearing that up would make things OK.  I’m sure his roommate in jail will allow him to cuddle when he’s cold though, so it’s all good.

People Make Me Cry

*sigh*  I’ve had to read this article a few times because it just has to be a joke.  The whole thing is just filled with lines that can’t possibly be told with a serious face…..or without causing and extreme headache from trying to understand the logic.  How about a few examples:

“Remarkably she insisted she was healthy, despite now needing a mobility scooter when she goes shopping.”

“My favorite food is sushi, but unlike others I can sit and eat 70 big pieces of sushi in one go.”

“She needed a team of 30 medics to deliver her daughter…”

“I’d love to be 1000lb!” ….follow by….

“It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down.”

“Rather than advise her to slim down, her long-term partner Philippe, 49, instead encourages Ms Simpson to eat more.”

“He’s a real belly man, and completely supports me.”

And the worst one of all…..

“To fund the massive $750 weekly food shop, she runs a website where men pay her to watch her eat fast food.”

Wait, wait, wait….wait.  Hold on……what?  People pay to watch other people eat fast food?  What?  Has anyone seen scanners?  Do you know that part where the guy’s head explodes?  I think mine’s going to do that.  I weep for humanity.

*trip* BOOM!!

Running Low On Choices, Terrorists Enlist Morons  (Courtesy

A Suicide Bomber in Pakistan tripped over a bench and accidentally detonated his bomb while running for a passing convoy.  Five civilians were killed and 13 injured.  Yes, it’s tragic that people died, but some part of you has to laugh at this.  I’m trying to imagine the last thought that passed through his head as his feet went out from under him.  How do you say “D’oh” in Urdu?

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