Archive for December, 2009


After what was obviously just the latest in a long series of life failures, they decided the next best option was to put the remains in a gift box.  So they cleaned it up and packaged the remains.  It’s not clear who the gift was intended for…….or how the hell their bodies manage to function with no apparent brain function between the two morons.

It’s believed that the woman used pills to induce an abortion and then called an abulance.  When the abulance arrived she said she didn’t know where it was.  WTF?!?!

OK, first, why the hell would you call an abulance in the first place?  If that isn’t stupid enough, you then tell them that you don’t know where the fetus is?  “Geez, it was here a minute ago.  It’s not in the toilet!  Retrace my steps….I just made a sandwich.  Maybe it’s in the fridge next to the mayonnaise.”   Really??  Who would fall for this?

Second, why in a gift box under the tree?  Who was going to get that gift?  Mother-in-law maybe, but I even think that’s a little harsh.  It’s not like you can give it to one or the other….you both know what’s in the box….no surprise.  Was it wrapped?  Why the hell “clean it up” before putting it in the box?  It’s obvious you don’t give a damn about the fetus!  Why even go through the trouble?  I just can’t wrap my head around any of this.   But maybe that’s because I’m not insanely stupid.

Both were arrested and jailed on abuse of corpse and tampering with evidence.  Bond is set at $20,000 per.  Frankly, these are the sort of people that need far more than a mere slap to the face.  A serious beating may be in order, and some serious jail time.

 
Good God, what the hell was that?  Who sits around a table and thinks this stuff up?  Worse yet, who sits around a table and agrees this is a good idea?  It’s not enough that you have four morons dancing around making unusual gestures but we also have to endure the horrible folky music to go along with it.  I guess it was necessary to try and distract from the lack of applause or audience interest.  I can only assume that all four people ran off stage afterwards and cried together asking God what they did to deserve such punishment.  The Volt is actually a rather cool looking car.  Why they decided to try and grab attention with such a fluffy, Seasame Street sounding song is beyond me.
  • Half Assed Scrape –  I hate scraping my windows as much as anybody.  But a 4″ by 4″ square in your windshield does not constitute proper window scraping.  Same thing goes for any other windows.  Scrape off enough so that you can see me in front of you or to the side of you so you can see me screaming when you run into me because your a moron.
  • Invincible 4×4 – Guess what?!  Four Wheel Drive doesn’t help much on ice.  Granted, it helps in snow but four wheels or two….you’re going to go sliding on a sheet of ice.  Stop driving like a jackass and get off my ass.  I’m in the slow lane already so you can go kill yourself in the fast lane.
  • OverCautious-Kill – I’m all for being careful when it’s crappy out but if you have to drive 15 MPH on the interstate when it’s raining then you should take the next exit and head for home.  If you’re that uncomfortable driving on the roads when weather is bad then stay home and for GOD’S SAKE don’t get on the interstate.  You become a traffic hazard when you drive that slow, and I become one while I write down your licesene plate for future retribution.
  • Can’t See, Coming Anyways – Great.  You can’t see out your windows cause your too lazy to clean them off or your peice of crap car doesn’t have a defroster.  But that doesn’t mean that all rules of the road go out the window.  Since you can’t see out your side windows that doesn’t mean you can just change lanes whenever you feel like it.  Just cause you only scraped off 1% of your windshield doesn’t mean you can pull out in traffic with your eyes closed and hope I stop for you.  Don’t half ass laziness.  If you don’t want to clear your windows all the way just stay home and don’t clear them at all!
  • Can’t move…More Gas!!  – Even though you’ve been sitting there spinning your tires at 50 MPH for the last 10 minutes already I guess I don’t need to tell you that giving it more gas isn’t going to help.  Uh, well, I guess I was wrong.  Surprise!  Your stupid.
  • Best Buy’s Christmas Carolers –  Any commercial with a bunch of asshats singing about products usually deserves physical violence.  This one is no exception.  When the hell did I walk into an opera?  Just talk to me dammit.  I don’t want you to sing anything to me.  It’s not clever, it’s obnoxuis.  What’ that!?  It’s a runaway truck!  Not really, I just released the parking brake and pointed it in your direction!
  • FreeCreditReport.com – I don’t think I need to convince anyone here.  I’ll give them the first commercial, it was catchy.  But like everything Hollywood they just decided to beat it to death.  Now there are 15 million different commercials, each worse than the last.  I frequently have daydreams of different painful endings to these commercials when they appear.  A guy can dream.
  • Gap/Old Navy – With exception to the mannequin commercials, anything by Gap/Old Navy generally sucks.  There’s always a bunch of yuppy jackoffs jumping around singing about their shirts, pants, or fleece something or another.  It makes me want to burn every peice of that clothing.  It doesn’t really matter to me if they take them off first or not.
  • Levi’s Rambling Nonsense – Levi’s recent commercials with random shots of beautiful people doing something artfully and some old person rambling off nonsense in the background.  I don’t even know what the hell is going on in these commercials.  If it wasn’t for the Levi’s logo at the end I’d still be confused.  Does anybody really see these commercials and think “Those kids look like they are having fun in the dark watching fireworks.  I need jeans.”  WTF?
  • Verizon – These have gotten old.  They actually got old a long time ago.  Even spoof movies stopped making fun of the “Can you hear me now guy.”  Now he just stalks people where ever they go with his million other creepy friends.  It’s no wonder I can never get a live person when calling Verizon, they’re all out following some idiot around.
  • AT&T – I loves me som iPod/iPhone.  But lets face it….AT&T’s coverage sucks.  At least it does around here.  Verizon called them out for crappy 3G coverage and AT&T shoots back with how great their General coverage is.  Uh, great….except that wasn’t the issue.  It’s your 3G coverage dumbass.  It’s like going to the mechanic and telling him your car won’t start, only to have him respond with “You need new tires!”
  • Howie Long Chevy Commercials – Who the hell thought this guy would be good in their commercials?  Probably the same people who thought he’d be a great movie star.  Howie should give his agent a raise, because he’s working miracles.  It’s not enough that Howie is horrible in all these commercials but his “co-stars” are generally as bad if not worse.  If I have to see that stupid little redheaded girl proclaim she’s a “big girl” or that assclown say “You’ve got cop hair” one more time I’m going to start slapping random people until I hit someone who approved these commercials.
  • Left Lane Campers – I can’t say it enough.  The left lane is for Fast/Passing traffic.  Seriously!  It’s in the drivers manual, I looked it up.  If there is nobody behind you then fine, sit there all you like.  But as soon as you see someone start moving up behind you move the hell out of the way.  It’s even more frustrating when there is a whole line of cars piled up behind one moron.
  • Rubber-Neckers – How many of you have seen a cop pulling someone over?  Raise your hand?  OK, how many of you have seen a car accident…raise your hand?  Then why the HELL does everyone need to slow down and look at every cop with his lights on and accident sitting on the side of the road!?  You can’t help, there’s nothing you can do, just keep moving.  I can understand if they are close to a lane and you have to slow down for the safety of the police or the accupants of the vehicle, but that’s the only excuse.  A car accident on the OTHER SIDE of the interstate is not an excuse.  That’s serious grounds for multiple slaps to the face.  Besides the fact that it pisses me off, you’re not paying attention to the cars in front of you and are likely to cause an accident of your own.  Mind your business and just keep driving.
  • Merging Morons – Unless traffic is at a standstill there should be no reason why anyone should need to stop when merging onto the interstate.  It’s pretty simple.  Check the traffic, speed up or slow down accordingly.  That’s it.  Don’t count on the other driver to give you space, you get to the spot you can fit in.  If they accomodate you, great, but don’t count on it.  And for God’s sake, especially if there is no traffic, speed up to get onto the interstate!  There is no reason why you should be merging at 35 MPH.
  • Hello?  I’m stupid!!” – I have no problems with people using cell phones while driving, as long as you can actually do it. If you find yourself driving 30 miles under the limit, drifting into other lanes, or nearly plowing into the ass of the car in front of you…then you should probably hang the phone up.
  • I missed my turn, it’s your fault – What should you do if you miss your turn?  a) Go to the next available turn/exit.  b)  Pull over and back up until you get back to your exit. c)  Stop dead in the middle of the road blocking traffic so you can fix your mistake.  If you answered anything other than A then slap yourself….hard!  Other people should have to pay for your mistakes.  You missed your turn…so what.  Go to the next exit or turn and turn around and get back on track.  NEVER stop in the middle of the road and wait for someone to let you over at the last minute.  Not only do I hate you for this, but I feel you should have your tires flattened as well.  You can then sit there waiting for the tow truck.  If you do this on the interstate just hold your breath until …well, forever.
  • Sightseeers – Besides the fact that there’s nothing over there but a building, some trees, or some grass….What the hell are you looking at!?  Get your ass moving and stop pointing at ever stupid thing on the side of the road.  Generally these are people looking for something and they have no clue where it is.  Fine, I understand that.  But if you have to drive 10 MPH to do it then get out and walk, or buy a GPS, cause your an idiot.  I’ll point at you when I drive by…but with a different finger.
  • Park My Foot Up Your Ass – I understand having a car you really love and want to take care of.  I understand not wanting to get door dinged or get scratched.  But if you are so worried you have to take up two spots then make damn sure you are parking waaaaaaaaay out in the boonies, or just put your car on blocks and leave it in the garage.  Parking close to the door in an already busy lot and taking up two spots is just a dick move.  Don’t do it, or those of us who don’t care will make sure to park close anyways….and pee in your gas tank.
  • Motorcycle Un-Rebel – Hi Mr. Motorcycle Rider, please don’t judge me in my little four door sedan.  You’re not a rebel.  Not anymore.  Much like having a tattoo or an earring doesn’t make you dangerous and rebellious anymore, neither does owning a cycle.  Everyone has one….it’s mainstream now.  Sorry.  The pastel shirt, kakkis, and loafers don’t help you either.  Dumbass.
  • Bikes – Speaking of two wheeled vehicles, bicyclists have a tendancy to piss me off, too.  I don’t care that your riding your bike instead of driving.  I don’t even care that you’re riding on the street and slowing me down.  Good for you.  Wish I could do it.  But if you’re going to be riding on the road remember YOU have to obey the rules of the road as well.  That means stopping at stop signs and lights or not riding between cars at a stop. Don’t get pissy at me cause I opened my door and you landed on your head.  That’s why you wear that funny helmet.
  • Duh-nut – Hey, idiot.  That little spare tire is a temporary measure.  It’s not meant for you to drive the next three weeks on the interstate with.  It’s what, $20 to repair a tire at Wal-Mart?  Your stupid and lazy….period.

A recent story popped up on Yahoo! this morning:

Miranda Rights Warning Facing ReWrite (Courtesy of Yahoo! News)

The story in a nutshell explains how, apparently, the Miranda Rights that are read to people as they are being arrested is too complicated….or not complicated enough for people to fully understand their rights.  Really???  Let’s take a look at the standard Miranda Rights text:

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Of course, this is just one version, but the basic premise is the same throughout save for maybe a few changes in the wording.  In some regions there may also be references to contacting your nations embassy if you are not a U.S. citizen, but again, the three main statements remain relatively constant.

  1. You have the right to remain silent and not answer any questions.
  2. You have the right to an attorney/legal council.  Regardless of if you can afford one, one will be appointed to you.
  3. Do you understand what has been read to you?

Nothing too difficult there.  Oh, but wait, I’m not a moron.  Apparently it’s confusing enough people that it needs to be more specific.  I’ll point out that the police are only required to warn an individual whom they intend to subject to custodial interrogation at the police station, in a police vehicle, or when detained. Arrests can occur without questioning and without the Miranda warning—although if the police do change their mind and decide to interrogate the suspect, the warning must then be given.  However, due to the flood of police shows and movies most people think they have to read your rights the moment they pull you over.

The article just overflows with people needing a good slap across the face.  The story tells a tale of one Kevin Dwayne Powell who confessed to purchasing a firearm off the street.  Prior to that confession he signed a Miranda statement that included the statements “You have the right to talk to a lawyer before answering any of our questions. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer, one will be appointed for you without cost and before any questioning. You have the right to use any of these rights at any time you want during this interview.”

Powell’s conviction was overturned on the grounds that the police didn’t adequately explainexplain to Powell that he was allowed to have a lawyer with him during questioning.  Wha????  What part of “you have the right to use any of these rights at any time” was confusing?!?!

Of course the D.A. argued that there was enough warning/explination given, but Justice Stephen Breyer didn’t think so.  I assume he made the following statement while eating paint chips:

“Aren’t you supposed to tell this person, that unlike a grand jury, you have a right to have the lawyer with you during interrogation?  I mean, it isn’t as if that was said in passing in Miranda. They wrote eight paragraphs about it. And I just wonder, where does it say in this warning, you have the right to have the lawyer with you during the interrogation?”

So I have to wonder, are they now expecting the Police to read off eight paragraphs of Miranda to suspects?  Keep in mind that’s JUST for the “You have to right to an attorney” portion.  That’s rediculous.  And what’s to think that 10 minutes of rambling lawyer speak is going to be any more understood by morons like this guy….or that the police would even be able to finish the statements considering how beligerant and uncooperative most people can be?

Unfortunately, this has apparently been an issue for some time, and will likely continue to be as long as their are stupid people committing crimes and lawyers greedy enough to take these types of cases.

Seriously, how long are we going to hold people’s hands through life?  When do people start taking responsibility for their actions?  When do we stop giving all these criminals loopholes to jump through?  Does anyone seriously think this dipshit didn’t understand his rights?  What are the chances he just doesn’t want to go to jail and is looking for any BS reason?  Well, it apparently worked since he wasn’t convicted.

Next week I’m sure we’ll get to talk about how Bubba Jackhole didn’t want to pull over for the Police because their overhead lights and sirens didn’t properly convey where and when to pull over. Which, incidentally, is why I’m in favor of the police getting a 60 second window free for all to rough up anyone who runs from the police…..but that’s another article.



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