Archive for November, 2009

Every time a new reality TV show is created I die a little bit more inside.  It’s a wonder I am still able to function, since that seems to be about the only thing that the TV studios can pump out anymore.  I can understand American Idol….I don’t watch it, but I understand it.  Singers are out there that need that first break to get a recording contract.  Swell.  But a cappella?  Is there really a big calling for that somewhere?  Are there loads of record labels out there looking for the next big a cappella group?  I just don’t get it. Is there even a section for that in the stores somewhere?  And who really gives a crap?

Seriously, reality TV has gotten out of control.  It even has it’s own dedicatied cable channel.  I blame MTV.  It all started with the Real World….which I admit, I was sucked into.  But after the first season it was all down hill.  Survivor, The Next Top Model, The Apprentice, Dancing with the Stars, The Bachelor, Who Wants to Marry My Midget Dad, the countless celebrity “this is my life” shows, Jon and Kate, and on and on and on.  I realize that Hollywood is out of ideas and making a reality TV show is cheap….but is there nothing else?

I guess at least half of the blame falls on the public.  I can’t go a day without overhearing someone talking about who got voted off what and events on such-and-such reality show.  Maybe it’s just me, but I just don’t give a s**t about who wins any dance competition, who can sing, and what the hell Jon and Kate had for dinner.  I’m too busy worrying about what’s going on in my life to be caught up in someone else’s.  I watch TV to escape from my life for a little while….not get all worked up over someone else’s problems that don’t effect me in any way.

The whole Jon and Kate thing really pissed me off.  How can anyone think that putting a couple on TV with 8+ kids was a good idea.  Does anyone not think those kids are now worse off for having gone through this debacle?  Especially having to watch their parents be torn apart on national TV and every news website for weeks.  But hey….they got ratings.  And that’s what really counts, right?

When they started with these advanced ads they were’t “too” bad.  Some fancy grafics down in one corner.  Sure, it was a little big, but I could still see most of the screen.  God forbid if the show I am watching happens to have subtitles…I miss half of the conversation now along with half the screen.  Sometimes they squish the screen downbut that’s rare and it isn’t much better anyways….it feels like a forced Picture-in-Picture.  But now it’s half the screen, sometimes clips from the show, images of the actors laughing and hugging each other, or just standing there all menecing.  All the while I miss some jackass getting tasered on COPS.  Sure I can still see most of it…but what’s the point if I don’t get to see the guy shimmy and piss himself?

Now there are even ads that have their own little sound effects.  It’s not enough to suck up half the screen but you need to start taking over the soundtrack, too?  Why the hell am I hearing swooshing sounds music during Gladiator?  Oh wait, it’s an ad for The Closer.  WTF?

They’ve even started showing ads for products now.  It’s not enough that my show has to be broken up and interupted for actual commercials.  Now we also have to have ads within the shows.  Enough is enough.

First thing is first, no ads for products.  That’s what commercials are for.  Second, cut the sound track to these things.  They may seem like little noises to get our attention but it disrupts the current show.  And third, STOP USING HALF THE SCREEN!  We get just as much information from just a bar at the bottom of the screen.  It doesn’t make things more impressive, only more annoying.  It makes me want to avoid the chanel and just watch it later on Hulu.

  It’s not like any of the other Best Buy commercials were that much better.  The stadium full of employees talking to the customer in the middle of the field was stupid, but it didn’t really bother me one way or another.  These new commercials make me want to find a large truck and run it full force into the crowd of carolers.  I can’t even remember what the hell they were suggesting to people.  All I can remember is my vision tinting all red and various methods to shut them up running through my mind.  I’m now afraid to go to Best Buy, concerned that these lunatics may be waiting for me within the store.

I can only assume that it has something to do with the Christmas season that has people thinking “Lets sing and dance!!!”  Not long after the Best Buy ad started airing we also got the gem from GAP with all the yuppie’s singing and dancing around in their fancy clothes.  I should have known.  Any company related to Old Navy would pull something like this.  It was, in fact, Old Navy that was my first truly hated series of commercials.  Between that obnoxious old lady with massive black rimmed glasses and her dog Magic to the random ninja singers (again during christmas) I was ready to start mixing Molotove Cocktails.  This recent GAP commercial is filled with overly cheery, yuppy idiots singing and jumping around, riding on each others backs kicking legs, and jumping through the air grunting.  I noticed that all the while they looked like they are in some kind of enclosed area….a room or barn or something.  I think it would be interesting to set a few big cats, Tigers or Lions, into that room with them and see if they can dance around their swinging claws.  Yes, that would be very satisfying.  Again, I can’t picture a damn thing they were advertising in the commerical.  All I remember is I wanted the commercial to stop as soon as possible.

As far as I am concerned, the knob advertisers who approved these commercials need to slapped….hard.

 Apparently, Mother-of-Six Dawn, went for her 20 week scan and was required to use a more powerful scanner to examine the fetus.  The father-to-be of this poor child, who will undoubtably receive countless beatings at school, recalled “We were looking at the pictures again, and I just saw Jacko there with his sunglasses on, and his hair.”

Uh, his glasses……and hair.  Apparently the glasses were needed due to the unusually bright placenta?  Hopefully the hair was not also on fire at the time.

Despite the entire family clearly seeing the resembalance they will not be naming the child Michael…..because it’s a girl.  WTH?!

The final and most puzzling quote from this family was from the mother regarding this seventh child and unusual scan, “But it is my seventh child, and seven is a mythical number.”  Wait….what?  Seven is a mythical number?  When did this happen?

Put aside the fact that I can never make heads or tails of these scans anyways, it looks more like an alien baby to me.  Which, now that I think about it….does remind me a bit of Jacko.  In any case, either these people are crazy or Jackson is taking Pedophila to a new level.


Too soon?  Frown

The Microsoft suit references the plaintiffs XBOX 360 that suffered the dreaded Red Ring of Death, claiming he can’t afford the $100 fee Microsoft is charging him to fix it. Quoted directly from the suit documenation, the idiot claims the XBOX 360 is “only one of two ways in which he relies on to socialize,” as he suffers from depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and Crohn’s disease.  He’s asking for $75,000 from Microsoft due to “the stress put on the plaintiff having to find a way to acquire a new Xbox 360 system and the sadness he will have in the meantime of finding one he can afford.”

First, let’s start with the fact that there was actually a lawyer out there that took this case.  Why?  Sure, it’s money….but seriously….these types of lawsuits should not even be brought to court.  It’s a waste of everyone’s time.  I’m of the belief that these lawyers that cater to these bufoons should be punished in some way.  A fine, something.  But that’s our legal system.  Anyone can sue anyone and waste tax dollars.  Swell.

Now I love my video games as much as the next gamer, my wife can attest to that….or complain about it.  But come on.  Sack up, jackass.  Your hapiness is denied because you can’t use a character skin on Mario Kart!?  You are teh stupid.  I’m not sure if I should be laughing at this guy or feeling pity for him.  If the Wii and the 360 are the only ways he socializes, well, that’s the biggest problem right there.  Try getting out in the sunshine, kiddo.  An actual woman is much more fun than a vibrating XBOX controller…..most of the time.  There are millions of other things to do besides playing video games.  Even worse, instead of suing Microsoft for something legitimate….like faulty hardware….it’s just over the $100 repair cost.  Which is puzzling, considering there’s no doubt he’s paying more than $100 to his lawyer for both of these rediculous claims.  How about taking that money and buying a new XBOX and a copy of Mario Galaxy?  Problem solved!  Hapiness Restored!  +1 Extra Life!

Of course this comes back to the problem with American society today.  Everyone feels they are entitled to whatever they want.  Spoiled little brats, coddled by everyone since the day they were born.  If I was his parents I’d be taking both systems away and kicking his ass out into the sunshine at least for a little while.

To quote from the article, the guy, believed to be Lithuanian, caught the dog after it allegedly attacked some of his mother’s chickens and decide to enact his own brand of revenge.  Joking to the camera about proof that “dogs can fly,” he takes one more check on the traffic and tosses the dog over the edge.  The dog miraculously survives the fall but can be heard crying in pain between the sound of passing cars.

I simply can’t fathom how someone develops something like this in their derranged mind and thinks it sounds like a grand ol’ time.  To the extent that they even need to film it and spread it around for everyone to witness his “brilliance.”  Even worse, there was at least one other moron along for the ride.  These are the kinds of things we find out about later after someone goes on a killing spree.  “He was such a good kid except for the dogs he loved to throw over bridges.”  It’s a warning sign people.  Sure, it’s not a human but I’d wager we’ll be hearing about him graduating to that level at some point in the future.  Hopefully not.  Maybe he learned his lesson, but my faith in these types of people is pretty low.

Luckily, the dog did survive and did receive treatment.  All indications are he’ll make a full recover.  The jackass who threw the dog over was actually tracked down via the web and all the other outraged smart people and actually arrested.  Shockingly, he was already being sought by police for a robbery that had been committed earlier.  He now faces charges of animal cruelty and a possible 1 year in jail.  I figure we could just give him a nice push off the same bridge.  If he survives, we can send a pack of dogs down to rescue him and see how well that works.  Hopefully it doesn’t.

Disclaimer: All trademarks/registerd trademarks are properties of their respective owners. This website contains material submitted and created by third parties. We have made every effort to indicate ownership and provide recognition of said ownership whenever possible. If you feel that you hold copyright to any material contained on this site and wish it's removal, please contact us immediately for it's removal. Please keep in mind this is a humor website and we in no way advocate the abuse, physical harm, or any actions taken against any person or group.

Copyright © 2012 Coalition For Slapping Stupid People. All Rights Reserved.