Category: The Lists

  In no particular order:

  •  Inability to park your big car – Be it a pickup truck, a huge Cadillac, or the newest gargantuan SUV, if you can’t handle parking it, then leave it at home.  Maybe consider a Smart Car to make you less stupid.  Or simply park way out where you’re poor parking skills don’t effect anyone else.  Several times this week some idiot has managed to park well over the line with his pickup truck.  What makes it even more infuriating is that it’s being done in a parking lot that is already low on available space.  So along comes Pickup McDumbass and parks so that he has plenty of space to get out, but screws everyone else.  Because of course the person on the short end of the parking space is going to park a little further over, and the next guy does, and the next, until everyone is way off.  God forbid you check your parking and fix it.  It’s not like there isn’t plenty of space!  It’s just being lazy, and an asshole.
  • Inability to park your small car – Even more infuriating is when the above happens with some little sub compact car!  Seriously!?  You could put the damn thing in your pocket, but you can’t fit it between these two white lines?  This is pure douchebaggery.  And that may not be a word, but dammit, I’m using it.  You could park some of these cars sideways in the parking spot and it would still fit.  Yet some idiots manage to park crooked or outside the lines.  There’s no reason for it.  You should have your windshield wiper tore off and used to beat you.
  • Taking two spaces to avoid dings – I understand that your car is your baby.  It’s brand new and you don’t want to get that first ding.  That’s fine.  I’ve been that way myself.  But for the love of god, if you’re going to take two spaces, do it way out in the boonies.  Don’t pick two spots right up front to screw those of us who have already paid the Ding-Man our tolls just because you’re vain and lazy.  You want to suck up extra space, do it way out in the back where there is plenty of it to go around.  Besides, parking way out there will prevent angry people from purposefully parking next to you….close….and popping that ding cherry you have.
  • Being impatient for a spot – Yes, I have a great spot.  Yes, I’m getting ready to leave.  But don’t sit behind me while I’m trying to load my car up and honk because you really want my spot.  I’m pretty sure that’ll make me go that much slower.  Sure, that’ll be a bit of a dick move on my part, but you asked for it.  Generally I hate waiting for people, but there’s no reason to be rushing people out of a spot.  For all you know they’re waiting for someone else to come out.  Maybe they’re on the phone?  I’d much rather they be in that spot than driving around nearly forcing me into another lane.  Maybe they’re taking a nap.  Who cares?  Lifes a bitch, and they have every right to sit there until they are prepared to leave.  Sack up and move on.
  • Waiting too long for a spot – Along with being impatient goes waiting too damn long for a spot.  If nobody is behind you then there’s really no big problem.  But if it’s a busy parking lot, and you managed to take up the entire lane, and now have five other cars waiting behind you, it’s time to cut your losses.  Sure, as soon as you move past you’ll likely see those tail lights come on, but those are the brakes.  Not really, those are backup lights….but you know what I mean.  The only exception to this might be if you left enough room for other vehicles to get around you while you wait.  But be willing to accept the possibility that this person isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  You may spend more time waiting than actually finding another spot.
  • Squeezing into a spot that you don’t fit – We’ve all seen it.  That golden spot right up close….but some asshat parked on the line and barely left enough room for a Geo Metro.  Most smart people would curse the god’s and move on.  But there are those, unfortunately plentiful, idiots that decide to squeeze in regardless.  Now this generally pisses me off just because it’s stupid, but it’s even worse if you’re somehow stuck as the other “slice of bread” so to speak.  You parked normally, but asshat number one was over the line, and asshat number 2 decided to squeeze in anyways.  Sure, they may have a sunroof to get in and out of their car but you’ve got two hands full of groceries and room that even Kate Moss would have trouble squeezing through.  Here’s a hint, if you have to fold your mirrors to get into a spot, it’s too small.  You can leave a nice note for these people if you like.  Except use a tire iron for the pen……and the note is just a shattered windshield.
  • On your ass waiting for spot – Again, you have a prime spot.  Someone is in the wings waiting to snatch it up as soon as you pull out.  One problem, they’ve pulled so far up on your ass in an effort to stake their claim that you don’t have room to pull out.  Your choice of options here are varied.  You can decide to not go anywhere until said idiot moves on, always fun.  You can pull out as far as you can, mere inches from their own vehicle, to point out their poor judgment.  Often works, but not nearly as much fun.  Or you can tear out of the spot and slam into their car.  I don’t know what the precedent is on that, but you’d probably be at fault.  But it will also probably prevent them from doing it in the future.  And will also serve to delay whatever the hell they were out trying to do.  This idiot also presents a second problem.  If you are somehow able to maneuver your vehicle safely out of your space, you’re often blocked from going past said moron because of how close they were.  So we have to play the backup, you go, no YOU go, no YOU go game. You also have the option here of slamming your car into drive and plowing into them head on.  Again, you’ll probably be at fault.  Weigh your options carefully.
  • Driving the wrong way down a lane – I was unsure if I wanted to put this on here or not.  Often times this is simply a mistake.  “Oops, thought this was the up lane.”  Not much you can really do once you’ve committed but try and get out before someone sees you.  However, if you find yourself in this position you should NOT decide that you own the lane and everyone else is just screwed.  Yes, you made a mistake, but don’t make everyone else pay for it just cause your a putz.  Give room, throw out the universal hands up “Sorry, My Bad!” gesture and move on.  We’ve all done it.  We all know it happens.  Whether or not you’re a douche bag depends on how you handle the situation after the fact.

As with most things in this world, this all comes down to common sense and civility.  Would it piss you off if someone did it to you?  Then don’t do it.  If you’re last thought before doing it is “Aw f**k it.” then it’s likely not the right choice.  Stop thinking about yourself and think about how it effects everyone else around you.  In other words, don’t be stupid.

  • Half Assed Scrape –  I hate scraping my windows as much as anybody.  But a 4″ by 4″ square in your windshield does not constitute proper window scraping.  Same thing goes for any other windows.  Scrape off enough so that you can see me in front of you or to the side of you so you can see me screaming when you run into me because your a moron.
  • Invincible 4×4 – Guess what?!  Four Wheel Drive doesn’t help much on ice.  Granted, it helps in snow but four wheels or two….you’re going to go sliding on a sheet of ice.  Stop driving like a jackass and get off my ass.  I’m in the slow lane already so you can go kill yourself in the fast lane.
  • OverCautious-Kill – I’m all for being careful when it’s crappy out but if you have to drive 15 MPH on the interstate when it’s raining then you should take the next exit and head for home.  If you’re that uncomfortable driving on the roads when weather is bad then stay home and for GOD’S SAKE don’t get on the interstate.  You become a traffic hazard when you drive that slow, and I become one while I write down your licesene plate for future retribution.
  • Can’t See, Coming Anyways – Great.  You can’t see out your windows cause your too lazy to clean them off or your peice of crap car doesn’t have a defroster.  But that doesn’t mean that all rules of the road go out the window.  Since you can’t see out your side windows that doesn’t mean you can just change lanes whenever you feel like it.  Just cause you only scraped off 1% of your windshield doesn’t mean you can pull out in traffic with your eyes closed and hope I stop for you.  Don’t half ass laziness.  If you don’t want to clear your windows all the way just stay home and don’t clear them at all!
  • Can’t move…More Gas!!  – Even though you’ve been sitting there spinning your tires at 50 MPH for the last 10 minutes already I guess I don’t need to tell you that giving it more gas isn’t going to help.  Uh, well, I guess I was wrong.  Surprise!  Your stupid.
  • Best Buy’s Christmas Carolers –  Any commercial with a bunch of asshats singing about products usually deserves physical violence.  This one is no exception.  When the hell did I walk into an opera?  Just talk to me dammit.  I don’t want you to sing anything to me.  It’s not clever, it’s obnoxuis.  What’ that!?  It’s a runaway truck!  Not really, I just released the parking brake and pointed it in your direction!
  • – I don’t think I need to convince anyone here.  I’ll give them the first commercial, it was catchy.  But like everything Hollywood they just decided to beat it to death.  Now there are 15 million different commercials, each worse than the last.  I frequently have daydreams of different painful endings to these commercials when they appear.  A guy can dream.
  • Gap/Old Navy – With exception to the mannequin commercials, anything by Gap/Old Navy generally sucks.  There’s always a bunch of yuppy jackoffs jumping around singing about their shirts, pants, or fleece something or another.  It makes me want to burn every peice of that clothing.  It doesn’t really matter to me if they take them off first or not.
  • Levi’s Rambling Nonsense – Levi’s recent commercials with random shots of beautiful people doing something artfully and some old person rambling off nonsense in the background.  I don’t even know what the hell is going on in these commercials.  If it wasn’t for the Levi’s logo at the end I’d still be confused.  Does anybody really see these commercials and think “Those kids look like they are having fun in the dark watching fireworks.  I need jeans.”  WTF?
  • Verizon – These have gotten old.  They actually got old a long time ago.  Even spoof movies stopped making fun of the “Can you hear me now guy.”  Now he just stalks people where ever they go with his million other creepy friends.  It’s no wonder I can never get a live person when calling Verizon, they’re all out following some idiot around.
  • AT&T – I loves me som iPod/iPhone.  But lets face it….AT&T’s coverage sucks.  At least it does around here.  Verizon called them out for crappy 3G coverage and AT&T shoots back with how great their General coverage is.  Uh, great….except that wasn’t the issue.  It’s your 3G coverage dumbass.  It’s like going to the mechanic and telling him your car won’t start, only to have him respond with “You need new tires!”
  • Howie Long Chevy Commercials – Who the hell thought this guy would be good in their commercials?  Probably the same people who thought he’d be a great movie star.  Howie should give his agent a raise, because he’s working miracles.  It’s not enough that Howie is horrible in all these commercials but his “co-stars” are generally as bad if not worse.  If I have to see that stupid little redheaded girl proclaim she’s a “big girl” or that assclown say “You’ve got cop hair” one more time I’m going to start slapping random people until I hit someone who approved these commercials.
  • Left Lane Campers – I can’t say it enough.  The left lane is for Fast/Passing traffic.  Seriously!  It’s in the drivers manual, I looked it up.  If there is nobody behind you then fine, sit there all you like.  But as soon as you see someone start moving up behind you move the hell out of the way.  It’s even more frustrating when there is a whole line of cars piled up behind one moron.
  • Rubber-Neckers – How many of you have seen a cop pulling someone over?  Raise your hand?  OK, how many of you have seen a car accident…raise your hand?  Then why the HELL does everyone need to slow down and look at every cop with his lights on and accident sitting on the side of the road!?  You can’t help, there’s nothing you can do, just keep moving.  I can understand if they are close to a lane and you have to slow down for the safety of the police or the accupants of the vehicle, but that’s the only excuse.  A car accident on the OTHER SIDE of the interstate is not an excuse.  That’s serious grounds for multiple slaps to the face.  Besides the fact that it pisses me off, you’re not paying attention to the cars in front of you and are likely to cause an accident of your own.  Mind your business and just keep driving.
  • Merging Morons – Unless traffic is at a standstill there should be no reason why anyone should need to stop when merging onto the interstate.  It’s pretty simple.  Check the traffic, speed up or slow down accordingly.  That’s it.  Don’t count on the other driver to give you space, you get to the spot you can fit in.  If they accomodate you, great, but don’t count on it.  And for God’s sake, especially if there is no traffic, speed up to get onto the interstate!  There is no reason why you should be merging at 35 MPH.
  • Hello?  I’m stupid!!” – I have no problems with people using cell phones while driving, as long as you can actually do it. If you find yourself driving 30 miles under the limit, drifting into other lanes, or nearly plowing into the ass of the car in front of you…then you should probably hang the phone up.
  • I missed my turn, it’s your fault – What should you do if you miss your turn?  a) Go to the next available turn/exit.  b)  Pull over and back up until you get back to your exit. c)  Stop dead in the middle of the road blocking traffic so you can fix your mistake.  If you answered anything other than A then slap yourself….hard!  Other people should have to pay for your mistakes.  You missed your turn…so what.  Go to the next exit or turn and turn around and get back on track.  NEVER stop in the middle of the road and wait for someone to let you over at the last minute.  Not only do I hate you for this, but I feel you should have your tires flattened as well.  You can then sit there waiting for the tow truck.  If you do this on the interstate just hold your breath until …well, forever.
  • Sightseeers – Besides the fact that there’s nothing over there but a building, some trees, or some grass….What the hell are you looking at!?  Get your ass moving and stop pointing at ever stupid thing on the side of the road.  Generally these are people looking for something and they have no clue where it is.  Fine, I understand that.  But if you have to drive 10 MPH to do it then get out and walk, or buy a GPS, cause your an idiot.  I’ll point at you when I drive by…but with a different finger.
  • Park My Foot Up Your Ass – I understand having a car you really love and want to take care of.  I understand not wanting to get door dinged or get scratched.  But if you are so worried you have to take up two spots then make damn sure you are parking waaaaaaaaay out in the boonies, or just put your car on blocks and leave it in the garage.  Parking close to the door in an already busy lot and taking up two spots is just a dick move.  Don’t do it, or those of us who don’t care will make sure to park close anyways….and pee in your gas tank.
  • Motorcycle Un-Rebel – Hi Mr. Motorcycle Rider, please don’t judge me in my little four door sedan.  You’re not a rebel.  Not anymore.  Much like having a tattoo or an earring doesn’t make you dangerous and rebellious anymore, neither does owning a cycle.  Everyone has one….it’s mainstream now.  Sorry.  The pastel shirt, kakkis, and loafers don’t help you either.  Dumbass.
  • Bikes – Speaking of two wheeled vehicles, bicyclists have a tendancy to piss me off, too.  I don’t care that your riding your bike instead of driving.  I don’t even care that you’re riding on the street and slowing me down.  Good for you.  Wish I could do it.  But if you’re going to be riding on the road remember YOU have to obey the rules of the road as well.  That means stopping at stop signs and lights or not riding between cars at a stop. Don’t get pissy at me cause I opened my door and you landed on your head.  That’s why you wear that funny helmet.
  • Duh-nut – Hey, idiot.  That little spare tire is a temporary measure.  It’s not meant for you to drive the next three weeks on the interstate with.  It’s what, $20 to repair a tire at Wal-Mart?  Your stupid and lazy….period.

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