Category: Crime

Why? Just….Why???

Police Search For Supermarket Butt Sniffer….Really.  (Courtesy

I may need to make a new section call “Trying to understand this gives me a headache.”  This article would be the first submission.  A man in Britain was caught on CCTV leaning over behind unsuspecting employees/patrons and taking a healthy whiff of their butts.  Apparently he’d linger in aisles and wait for someone to bend over and reach for that special item on the lower shelf, at which point he’d make his move.  How does someone get started on this?  Why?  How do you get to a point in your life when this sounds like a great way to spend your evening?  I mean, God of War III is out for Campbell’s sake….surely that’s more fun!  This is another one of those things that will never be lived down.  Once this guy gets caught his life is over.  You can’t shake stuff like this once it goes public.

Robbery Suspect Eats Evidence  (Courtesy

It’s not uncommon for drug dealers to quickly woof down some drugs before the Police can get their hands on them, but this is the first time I’ve heard of a robbery suspect taking this route.   John H. Ford was being detained and frisked on the hood of the patrolman’s car when the dash cam caught Ford stuffing a piece of paper in his mouth and chowing down.  Police suspect it was the note Ford handed to the bank teller demanding money.  Nice work, of course, he didn’t get a chance to choke down the .38-caliber pistol and bunch of cash covered in red ink from the explosive dye pack.  Which pretty much nails him as the robber.  Moron.

Man Says He Was Abused By Quadriplegic Girlfriend  (Courtesy

Let’s just get right to it: “She’ll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs.”

What more can anybody really add?  This genius was recently charged with beating up his quadriplegic girlfriend. The above was his statement to the police sighting self defense.  Really, why even bother with excuses with something like this?  Just shut-up and accept that you’re a douche.

As a side note, as a gamer, I can’t help but read that quote as “noobs” instead of nubs….which makes it that much more hilarious.

Ugh.  At what  point does someone sit down and think “Hmmmm…I’d like to start stripping in my home….for 12-year-olds.”  Outside of the obvious “wrong factor,” how is this even appealing?  Did she get turned down at the local strip club and this was her way of working her way up the ladder?  Maybe a local boy asked her to dance for her and gave her five bucks and she suddenly thought this was a great way to make money.  I’m afraid to even find out what else that “price list” included.

Robber Asks Victim “Don’t Tell My Mom”  (Courtesy

A bumbling would-be robber tried to hold up a convenience store early Saturday in Salt Lake City, Utah.  He tried to sneak behind the clerk and hold a knife to his throat, only to be foiled when the clerk spun around and knocked the knife out of his hands.  A quick bitch-slap and the teen when down without a fight.  As he fled out the door he asked that the clerk not call police and “Don’t tell his Mom.”  Nice.  Apparently he hasn’t been caught yet, but I suspect that’s the least of his problems.  Seriously, if you’re going to try your hand at criminal activity you should be less of a Momma’s Boy and at least try to butch up a little.  Certainly don’t plead with people to not tell your mom.  If he ever does go to jail he might as well just carry lipstick and cut a hole in the butt of his pants because he’s going to quickly be someone’s little love muffin in there.

As stupid as updating your MySpace may be, I can somewhat understand a kid doing this in today’s society.  “Ooooo, look at how cool I am!”  It’s dumb, and that alone would get you busted.  Especially with the FBI now perusing Facebook and other type sites.  I really never understood why anyone would post pictures or brag about crimes they’ve committed online…it’s just opening yourself up to get caught.  But deciding to check out porn sites and trying to sell stuff?  I just don’t understand that.  Isn’t the cardinal rule of burglary to get in, get stuff, and get out as soon as possible?  I don’t know…I’m asking.  It makes sense to me though.  The less time you’re there the less chance someone may have to discover you’re there.  I can’t imagine what would make someone think right then is a good time to check out some hotties and rub one out.  Not only would you possibly “get caught with your pants down”  (get it!!) but you risk leaving… ahem …biological evidence behind.  While selling stuff wouldn’t be nearly as embarrassing, it’s just as stupid.  You haven’t even made it out the door yet….how can you even sell the stuff!?  Let this be a lesson to everyone: leave the wanking for later at home, and for Campbell’s sake….You don’t have to MySpace/Tweet/Facebook every little thing all the time!!

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