Category: Crime

If you decide to go on a night of rampant vandalism that could result in damages in the tens of thousands, perhaps you should just consider any personal items lost during said crimes as collateral.  You certainly should try and go back and retrieve it.  Better yet, don’t take anything personal with you at all.  Let William Banks be an example to all of you!

Banks, and two other numbskulls, decided to go four wheeling in the middle of East Carolina’s football field causing around $35,000 in damages.  They also managed to plow the ATVs into a couple concession stands for good measure.  Banks was arrested when he decided to try and claim his phone that he dropped in the process of destroying the field.  I’m guessing it was an iPhone.

(Vandals Damage East Carolina’s Stadium with ATV’s – Source: Yahoo! News)

Wayne Mitchell Dies After Eating Cocaine Hidden In Brothers Butt; Deangelo Mitchell Charged In Death.

I’m not sure there is much more that can be said about this story.  Two brothers, Wayne and Deangelo Mitchell, got pulled over and subsequently placed in the back of a police car.  The elder brother started freaking out about going to prison for life if/when the police find the cocaine he had hidden in his crack.

After some pleading and a minor guilt trip, Deangelo talked his younger brother into swallowing the drugs.  Wayne died shortly thereafter.  Kids…Don’t do drugs.  Don’t eat drugs.  Don’t eat drugs from your siblings ass crack.

Woman Charged In Fire That Injured Boyfriend – Local News – Omaha, NE –

You have to wonder how thoughts even enter some people’s minds….or if they enter them at all.  What part of this plan seemed like a good idea?  Tanesha Beard (30yrs) decided that the best way to leave her boyfriend was to set her house on fire with him in it, and then, wait for it…..convince two of her four children to take the blame.  She has since admitted that she was the one that set the fire.  But wait…there’s more!

Tanesha didn’t come to her senses and realize that she was going to ruin her children’s lives forever (if she hadn’t already) and just confess.  Oh no…it wasn’t until the police discovered surveillance video of her buying  gasoline a half-hour before the blaze was set.

Her boyfriend remains hospitalized with burns over half his body.  Tanesha, meanwhile, has been charged with arson and four counts of child abuse.  Next time, Tanesha, do society a favor: buy the gasoline and just pour it on yourself.

Man Fakes Mugging to Get Ride Home  (Courtesy

A jerkoff Maryland man called 911 to report being mugged.  When police arrived they discovered that there was, in fact, no robbery, and that the man simply needed a ride home.  His cell phone was out of minutes so the only number he could call was 911.  Stuff like this is why I think there should be a “Justified Police Brutality” statute.  But lets not call it that….how about “On-The-Spot Correction?”  Or “Officer Discretionary Sentancing?”  Charges are pending, but seriously, I think all this guy needs is a good slap to the face and punch to the gut, then send him on his way…..without a ride home of course.

Only In Colorado

CO Man Convicted of Shooting Himself In Nuts  (Courtesy

HA!  Not only does he shoot himself in the nuts trying to use his gun, (allegedly) but he gets convicted of “illegal discharge of a firearm.”  You’d think that self-castration would be enough of a punishment.

Skinny Jeans Too Tight for Rape  (Courtesy

In yet another stunningly stupid judgment in a court of law, it’s been determined that women wearing tight fitting “skinny jeans” are apparently incapable of being raped.  What’s even more amazing is that this lapse in courtroom judgment didn’t happen in a U.S. courtroom!  Nicholas Gonzales was acquitted of rape charges in an Australian court after the jury decided that tight skinny jeans simply couldn’t “be removed without any sort of collaboration.”  Apparently if a woman takes her pants off in Australia then it’s sex time, regardless of if she wants to or not.  That point aside, uh, how the hell can this be any sort of defense against rape?  Her clothes were too tight?  Really?  Way to take two steps back, Australia!

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